Of Exordium

I mentioned my little dilemma yesterday. Well, here it is.

I've been a little doubtful regarding posting my stuff here at all, seeing as I hardly post what I write anywhere, but I might as well.

I gazed quietly at the house across the frozen bay. It was a lonesome sight. Yet as my breath finally had condensed upon the sheet of glass before me, I could look no further and diverted my eyes.

The temporary respite that the gazing had given me was gone. I once again had to come to terms with my see-through imprisonment. Not more than half an hour ago, I found myself the prisoner of a square of glass, no taller than myself, no wider then a few feet across, and absolutely perfect. The glass was fully invisible, but for my breath, and the feel as I drew my hand across it. It was standing atop a plateau of some form, in the midst of an urban centre, with a stunning view of forests, lakes, and the urban landscape that sprawled about my feet.

So that's the deal. That's the entire first section, as it is in my very first draft. Now, as I see it, the principial hook lies right about in the sentence "Not more than half an hour ago ..." As you can see, it's quite a bit into the section, especially for a short story which needs to pack a punch, quickly.

I like the essential hook though. It's concise, accurate, and, well, hook-ish to my eyes. I also do enjoy the latter parts. But it is the very introduction that annoys me.

I gazed quietly at the house across the frozen bay. It was a lonesome sight. Yet as my breath finally had condensed upon the sheet of glass before me, I could look no further and diverted my eyes.

The temporary respite that the gazing had given me was gone. I once again had to come to terms with my see-through imprisonment. Not more than half an hour ago, I found myself the prisoner of a square of glass, no taller than myself, no wider then a few feet across, and absolutely perfect. The glass was fully invisible, but for my breath, and the feel as I drew my hand across it. It was standing atop a plateau of some form, in the midst of an urban centre, with a stunning view of forests, lakes, and the urban landscape that sprawled about my feet.

Sentences in red will probably be cut. At least in my own mind. Orange kind of edited, yellow definitely edited. 

So how is it to your mind? Obviously, if you read through the post and nothing came to you at all, it's wrong. I'm not going to edit anything before my rough draft is through, and this is probably one of the more critical bits I think. But if you've graciously taken the time to read it through, there is actually the Comments button. It does look rather enticing, doesn't it? I think it's begging to be clicked, but that might just be me.

For some reason the hook reminds me of Kafka's Metamorphosis. Hrngh.